Well welcome to ole Ouchy The Clown's porn movie review section. I thought that you, the gentle reader, probably need my help in choosing what porn to watch while you touch yourself in inappropriate ways. My tastes are pretty eclectic, but you know you want it! Hopefully you will see something that piques your curiosity (or some body part) here. I've lined up sales distribution thru my own favorite provider. They are professional and discreet ... just like OucHy!

PORN REVIEWS HOT OFF THE PRESS
     

Intro To These Movies: I picked a couple of old porn movies here, and ya know why? Because they are so often better than the crap that most porno companies are putting out these days. I have also picked at least one BDSM only video (no porn here, just kink), and then two newer releases that happen to feature something I like in them.

Debbie Does Dallas (4 HONKS)
Debbie Does Dallas - I had to see it. I never have. And it's really a pretty damned good porn flick! And you KNOW it is old because it has (gasp) a PLOT! This movie obviously had someone at least thinking a LITTLE bit about what the movie was to be about, because it shows some imagination. A group of would be Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders need to earn enough money in order to get to Dallas for the cheerleading tryouts. Oh my! How will they ever raise that much money in only TWO weeks?! The plot is absolutely laughable, but, hey, points for effort.

The movie has a pretty hot shower scene in the first 10 minutes or so. The guys have hairy crotches, and so do the women (wow, people USED to have HAIR)! The tits ain't fake, and neither is the sex. These guys and girls LOOK like they are having FUN! (remember when the people on the screen looked like they were having fun?)

The film gallops along through several pretty interesting scenes, with several different cheerleaders. One hot one for me was when one of the girls ends up in the sauna with two guys. One of 'em has an ENORMOUS dick that she chokes down like a pro. Very hot. But clearly the "high" point is the last sex scene wherein Debbie outfitted in a full on cheerleader costume does her Summer job boss who is wearing a football player's uniform! Fucking HYSTERICAL! I give ole Debbie 4 honks, despite the way funny hairdos.

Mr. Big Stuff (3.5 HONKS)
I HAD to review a John Holmes movie. Remember I told you I liked big dicks… so, I figured the legendary hung scrawny dude was one for me. Oh yeah, this movie is SUPER dated. The girls are way 1960s, and if you don't laugh at John's hair, well… you must live in rednecksville. If you are into kitsch (and I sure am) then this movie is for you. One thing you will definitely notice about these older movies is that the sex scenes are not what you are used to in modern porn. The scenes all cut several times. You will be watching a doggie style fuck scene one minute, and then two minutes later, there will be an edit, and it's a cocksucking scene! It DOES mean that the sex moves along quickly, however.

So, its true: John Holmes has a great big dick. And he can't quite get it up sometimes either, which is fine by me - because that is reality. The girls have real tits, and the WEIRDEST thing about this movie is that there really is not any talking to speak of. The sound is all overdubbed. And at times, there are even SUBTITLES to tell you what someone has just said. This is like watching a silent porn movie! I am laughing my ass off! If you are into big cocks, kitschy music and scenery, and some creamy cumshots, then you should enjoy this flick. I am giving it a 3.5 honks.

Great White Cocks (3 HONKS)
Well, I hadda get this one just for the name! The cover boasts pictures of these rather unlikely guys with the numbers 14", 12" and 15" in front of their pictures. But, I am SORRY! There are NO 15" cocks in this movie! Not unless you are using the tired old method of measuring your cock starting at your asshole (and if you are using that method, you are gay… there, I said it). But there are some pretty big dicks. The girls aren't THAT much too look at. (I mean, at least Debbie was kinda hot in at least a slutty trailer trash/ Farrah Fawcett kinda way). Cameron and Nikki are pretty hot though, and there is a REALLY hot foot scene with Africa. Her feet are only mediocre, but she does some CRAZY stuff with them!

The cocksucking scenes in this movie can only be described as vigorous. Lots of saliva, slurps, gags, and big giant wads on missy's face. Hot if you are into facials. WAY hot, if you are into facials AND big dicks. The tits are natural for the most part, despite the fact that the movie was released this year. These girls can suck cock, and even if the guys don't have 15" cocks, they are pretty big, and at least 50% of them are not ugly. I give this movie three honks.

Johnny Toxic's
Clown Fuckers
(5 HONKS)
What can I say? I saw this movie like 4 years ago, and it REALLY got me a-started to thinkin'. REALLY thinkin'. And, you can see how things turned out for me.

As you might imagine I LOVE this flick! I came three times watching it this time around (I am NOT kidding), and I have seen it several times before. It has some things I despise (namely big ole huge totally fake looking tits bouncing out of the TV screen), but nonetheless its one of my all time favorites.

Double points for imagination and a sense of humor. Just Putzo the Clown's running commentary throughout the entire movies is enough to consistently crack me up. But the jacking off on clown masks, chin dildos and clown nose blow jobs are hysterical and hot in a twisted clown kinda way. This movie REEKS of Los Angeles, and if those girls ain't on cocaine, I would be downright shocked, I would. But they are are all laughing their asses off, OBVIOUSLY having a GREAT time, and Putzo's cock is just about one of the most beautiful dicks I have seen in any porn flick.

As the back of the box says, "There are only two things in life: #1 - Clownin' around wid anal whores!, and #2 - Eatin' hot, wet, stinky clown pussy!" Uh, I think that just about says it all. I give this movie 5 honks because it made me laugh while it turned me on. And to me, that is the ULTIMATE in sexual satisfaction.

Kym Wilde's Virgin
Kink #12
(4 HONKS)
I am shooting a movie myself next week with Kym Wilde for this same company, Red Board Videos. So, I thought I had better check it out to see what I was in store for.

This movie is all kink and BDSM (that's bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism for the uninitiated). No sex at all. I like it though because it is REAL. Its not overproduced, fake sex. Its real newbies to the BDSM scene being initiated in by Kym Wilde herself. Some of them are nervous, some are attitudinal… but they are all very real, and the scenes not cut. You get to see it just as it happens. There are four scenes: one with a dwarf, one with a tattooed hottie San Francisco chick, one with she-male twins, and one with a hot fat girl. This is SERIOUS kink, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I give this movie four honks. I guess I better go check out Virgin Kinks 1 - 11 now!

 

So, if you think you might like any of these films, please click on through from here and go buy them. You will thank me in the morning.

Next time, more oldies (I need me some Ron Jeremy), as well as some freaky flicks. Until then, drop me a line if you have some thoughts on these movies or other ones you think I should review.

Ouchy
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